rape survivor

I am a survivor

I will not be silent

Honored
rape survivor
survivor_87
I feel so honored right now. Some ladies on Cafemom took the time to do a shout out to me. They were saying how great a person I am and people saying how much I have helped them. It was just so nice to see that. And I wanted to update my blog saying thank you to them.


As for life in general right now, I am waiting on a hysterectomy because I am in constant pain. I keep striking out when it comes to getting a job. And my boys are excited for school to be starting soon.

Major step back leads to first real hangover
rape survivor
survivor_87
I want to preface this with an apology. I'm sorry I have not been updating more often. There just really hasn't been much to update about.

Now on to last night. Last week I got a job at Vector Marketing. They sell CUTCO knives. The nice thing is that I get base pay no matter what. So unlike Avon, Christmas Around the World (if you are old enough to remember that), Pamper Chef, etc. I get paid to show off the merchandise. I only get paid commissions if my commissions is more than my base pay. So last night I had an appointment with my former BFF's mother (she was my BFF in high school). Well she still lives in the same house she did when I was in high school, which is up near the mountain. The mountain my rapist grew up on and raped me on. I do not know if he still lives at home but that didn't matter. As I was on my way to my appointment I had a panic attack. Add onto that it was raining really hard. Luckily the panic attack started when I got to the other side of that town and ended when I got past the road you turn off of to get to his house. And then I was perfectly fine at my BFF's mother's house because it was comfort. I know her. She was like a mom to me in high school. I spent many nights there. Plus she bought something, lol. After I left I called my boss (the major drawback of this company, I have to call during and after each demo. I couldn't call during though because I had no cell service). I tried to explain the demo but kept losing him. Bad signal. Then I went by that road again and everything hit me. I couldn't breath. I had tears streaming down my face. My thighs burned. This lasted until I got home. I also learned my wife's car's stereo goes up to level 40. I had it up that high on some of my favorite songs (it has an iPod/iPhone connection so I could listen to my playlists) to drown out the screaming. Right after I left my apartment to go to the demo I stopped by Sunoco to get a Mt. Dew. Well I started hearing screaming (gotta love my hallucinations). It never really stopped. Hell this morning (ok it is really afternoon) I still slightly have it. But year, I had the radio up that high to drown it out. As soon as I got home my wife said I looked like shit. But she thought it was from the pain I have been having (which I will talk about at the end). I told her no it was the road I took. She immediately understood. I told her I was tempted to stop by the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine just for me but decided not to because that would be bad. She asked why? I told her because I shouldn't self-medicate that way. She told me to do what I needed to. So I made a strawberry daiquiri, with way too much rum. Seriously, 1/4 of the drink was rum if not more. And I downed it in like 30 minutes. I could barely stand and was floaty but I felt better.

This morning I am thankful for how wonderful my children are. I got up and made them breakfast and went back to bed. I slept in until lunch time. And then/now my stomach is upset and my head hurts plus everything else that has been hurting. My boss is mad because I didn't call in to do my daily check in but I feel like shit and am not getting on the phone. So I texted him. But I have learned my lesson. No demos  ever in that town.

Now as to the pain I am having. I have been having lower abdominal pain and lower back pain. They have no clue what it is. We have been ruling out what it isn't though. It is a slow process and it sucks.

Denim Day 2013
rape survivor
survivor_87
Today is Denim Day. Please Wear your denim in support of rape victims and survivors.

http://denimdayusa.org

An 18-year old girl is picked up by her married 45-year old driving instructor for her very first lesson. He takes her to an isolated road, pulls her out of the car, wrestles her out of one leg of her jeans and forcefully rapes her. Threatened with death if she tells anyone, he makes her drive the car home. Later that night she tells her parents, and they help and support her to press charges. The perpetrator gets arrested and is prosecuted. He is convicted of rape and sentenced to jail.

He appeals the sentence. The case makes it’s all the way to the Italian Supreme Court. Within a matter of days the case against the driving instructor is overturned, dismissed, and the perpetrator released. In a statement by the Chief Judge, he argued, “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex.”

Enraged by the verdict, within a matter of hours the women in the Italian Parliament launched into immediate action and protested by wearing jeans to work. This call to action motivated and emboldened the California Senate and Assembly to do the same, which in turn spread to Patricia Giggans, Executive Director of Peace Over Violence, and Denim Day in LA was born. The first Denim Day in LA was in April 1999, and has continued every year since.

This cause is dear to me for a few reasons. The first being I am a rape survivor. The second is because I was raped wearing jeans.

I also want to apologize for not posting lately. Life has been hectic.


Sweatshirt
rape survivor
survivor_87

I recently got a sweatshirt from my college. They give out free clothes as incentives to sign up for classes early. Well this sweatshirt is a hoodie type sweatshirt. I was raped wearing one so I have avoided them. I did but a "happy bunny" one years ago but even new it was rough and small. But this one is big, soft and comfy. It feels just like the one I was raped in. The differences are this one is darker blue, doesn't have eeyore on it and isn't soft on the outside. But it is amazing none the less that I am able to wear it without issues, especially since I have been wearing it with jeans. I am just amazed and wanted to share.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


I screwed up
rape survivor
survivor_87
Sorry for the lack of updates. It has been a roller coaster. This month has been crazy. After my last manic episode I had trouble sleeping. I did go to therapy and my therapist highly encouraged me to see my psychiatrist since I did end up using alcohol to get to sleep one night. Both her and I realize how dangerous that is. However, she thinks my cycling is due to PTSD. She wants me to do EMDR. I understand her caution in saying bipolar. However, PTSD most likely wouldn't cycle every 3 weeks like clock-work. I also have no other PTSD issues. Well, I had one, but I will get to that in a minute.

Anyways, I finally broke down and went to my psychiatrist. He increase the dosage of my medications to help with the sleep. He didn't want to put me on a sleep aid because of how I have weird reactions to medications. I also finally got him to realize that I am actually having manic episodes. I told him about how my wife notices that I am hyper, things get "magically" clean, I have an aura of "I am invincible".

So I upped my meds like my psychiatrist told me to. It helped so much. It has me in a "I don't give a fuck" mood. I am rolling with the punches. It has been good...and then I went into a mixed episode. It was mostly manic. And I did something stupid. I got a tattoo. So background to it, I have been having issues with my inner right thigh. It has always been a trigger spot for me. And before the tattoo, I was getting depressed and wanting to hurt myself. I wanted to self-harm. So I figured why not get a tattoo there instead. I got the all clear from my wife to do it. She has plans to get a new tattoo too. However, I rushed it. Seriously I rushed it bad. I went from thinking about a tattoo, to asking my wife if it was ok, to heading to the shop to put a deposit down to getting it done in less than a week basically. I rushed it too much. But in the moment, I did not think it was a bad thing. I could not understand why my wife was upset when I came home with a new tattoo on Valentine's Day. You should be starting to get it now. I screwed up royally. I did not realize it though really until yesterday. Mania fucking sucks.

This also set off my wife. She told me she has been getting depressed since this shit started with me. I caused her depression to come back. So now she is starting on meds again. I feel so guilty. So it has been a bad time. But she did write a letter to her therapist to bring this up at her next appointment since she had not been 100% honest with her. She is also forcing me to tell my therapist about my tattoo (which I plan on doing). Her and I thankfully have therapy only 2 days apart. And then the following week I see my psychiatrist and I have to tell him about this. I am really hoping he sees the tattoo as a manic outburst. I wonder if part of me wanted the tattoo to try and make him understand I have manic episodes since he thinks mania has to be EXTREME.

On a good note though, even when I was fighting with my wife, my brain did not go to bad places. Usually my brain jumps straight to hurting myself. It tells me to hurt myself. But this time, it didn't. My brain didn't jump to anything. I was amazed (my wife too when I told her). And this was why I got the tattoo. I was hoping it would do this. I am so happy about that. So even though I got the tattoo for bad reasons it was also for good reasons too.

Horrible, horrible nighmare
rape survivor
survivor_87
So this is a dream I had today. I decided to take a nap since I was able to finally sleep. From 7:30am on Tuesday to 12:10am Thursday, I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I just was literally unable to get to sleep. But I will warn you, this is graphic. So consider this a trigger warning. 

My name is Mary. I am a teenager. I live at home with my parents. I have a great and understanding boyfriend and a bright future. I help my boyfriend out at his parents' work while still maintaining great grades. Next year I plan on going to college. The only issue I have...I lose chunks of time. I black out without drinking or anything. So one day I am coming home from helping my boyfriend at his parents' work. I walk in and my moms are shuffling out everyone else. My sisters are going off on some grand adventure again. And the studying abroad students are leaving to return home. So it will just be me home for awhile. However, my moms are upset that I am home "late" again so I am grounded again. I was the only one who had any rules. It was unfair. I couldn't wait until I was able to get out. So I just go off to my room. I am sitting there and then...

Hello, my name is Lauren. Oh god, I'm in this awful room again. I am not going to be here. This place sucks. So I sneak out the back door. I make sure I am quiet, like always. I don't want to get the beast lady mad at me. I can't stand her. So I slip out the backdoor. I run down to the creek behind the house. There are always a ton of people hanging out there. I run past a few groups of people and then I see a guy standing alone. He is attractive enough. So I run straight up to him and start kissing him. I hit him with such force though that I know him over. So here we are laying in the mud making out. Things are getting intense when the mayor walks over. All the teenagers run awake. I am frozen in place. I know he is there for me. He is always looking for me. He comes up to me. He compliments me. He says how beautiful I am and how sexy I am. He asks if I know why he is there. I do so I nod my head. He says good and tells me to start undressing. I say no. I refuse to do this again. So he rips my clothes off and throws them onto the bank. He pushes me into the mud and gets on top of me. He asks if I would rather he shove this into me and shows me a knife. I nod my head no. He asks if I would rather he shove this into me and shows me a beer bottle. I nod my head no. He asks if I am ready to give him what is his. I nod my head yes. He thrusts himself into me forcefully. He asks if I missed this. I know the answer he wants and I know what will happen if I don't give it to him. So I say yes. He pumps and pumps and gets rougher and rougher. I am on the verge of tears but I know better to cry so instead I turn my pain into what he will think are moans of pleasure. Eventually it ends. He gets up and says see you later. I get up and get dressed. I hate myself.

So I decide to check my email. I am seeing if any guys responded to my offer for sex. There is one guy who responded. I text him and tell him to pick me up. He is there 10 minutes later. I get in his jeep. We drive up to the mountain. He wants to have sex in a sled. No problem. I have done more twisted stuff before. So we get in the sled and start kissing when it starts to go down the hill. He is freaking out and I am loving it. This is great. We are zooming down mountain next to the road. Then the turn comes. We leave the side of the road and come to a stop on the frozen lake. Sticking up through the ice is part of the ship that went down. Why is there a ship in a lake? Some stupid entrepreneur thought it would bring tourism. Yeah that worked great until his ship "sank". Most of it is above water but you can't move it. Idiot. I have always been intrigued by it though. I have always wanted to have sex on it. So I turn to the guy and ask him if he wants to try it. He looks at me like I am a freak and then tells me I am. He says there is no way he is going near that wreck and there is no way he is going near me again. He gets up and starting running up the mountain. I just get up and walk home. 

I don't actually want to be home though. So I just decide to walk down the dark path behind the house. I always meet my best "clients" back there. So I am walking along and am about at the end of the path. I have yet to see anyone. God this night sucks. Then I hear a noise. Who can it be? Well guess who steps out of the darkness. It is Mary's boyfriend. Fuck. "Mary, what are you doing back here?" "What are you talking about? I'm not Mary. My name is Lauren." I start walking back to the house. But he won't leave me alone. He follows insisting that I am Mary and he wants to know what is wrong. I finally snap "I AM NOT MARY! I AM LAUREN! MARY IS NOT HERE RIGHT NOW! SHE HAS CHECKED OUT! Now go back home and you will see Mary tomorrow and everything will be fine." He looks puzzled but thankfully we are at the end of the path...and then the mayor steps out and blocks the path. FUCK! "What are you doing with him?" he demands. "Nothing. He just ran into me and is heading home now." I glare over at him so hopefully he gets the hint to just go home. But no, of course not. Of course Mary has to get involved with the type of guy who thinks he is a knight in shining armor. Idiot. "I'm not going anywhere. And what are you doing here?" he asks the mayor. "What am I doing here? What am I doing here? Look boy, I am the mayor. I can be anywhere I want to be. Now I want to know what you are doing with her. She is mine. She does whatever I want her to, and she isn't allowed to be with other guys. So you better get out of here before I fuck you up." FUCK! So I step between them. "Look I know what you want. I'll give it to you. Let's go. Forget him. He is of no consequence. Let's go." I turn him around and start walking him towards the house. Hopefully my moms will still be out with the wonder sisters. "Wait!" Stupid boy. He needs to just go home. "You aren't going anywhere with her. You don't own her." And that is when I see it. The mayor pulls out a gun and puts it straight in Mary's boyfriend's face. I realize I really should know his name but I don't. This poor boy is going to die for me and I don't know his name.

"Just for that boy, I'm going to have you too." No. I can't let that happen. I can't let Mary feel that pain. I let her down and she got hurt before. It was her that the mayor had first. That is why I take over every night. I can't let Mary feel pain again. I must protect her. "No! Just let the boy go and you can do WHATEVER you want to me. I won't resist. I will do whatever. Just let the boy go". "Really? Anything? Ok, let's go." The boy starts to say something and I turn around and say "Go home! This does not concern you. I have to do this. You have NOTHING to worry about." He has that dumbfounded look when I take the mayor into the side door of the house. All the lights are off. Thank god. Although, it would be nice if Mary's moms were home. They could stop this. But I have to do what I have to do. I turn around and look at the mayor. He starts undressing me sensually. This is different. He is always rough. I am confused. He nearly has my shirt off when he stops and pushes my hair back behind my ears. He says he wants me to wear earrings, round ones. He asks if I have any. I say I think I do. He tells me to go get them. So I turn around and head off to my room. As I walk out of my room I notice the office lights are on. I walk in and there are both of Mary's moms. Thank God. But shit! They don't know me. I need to be Mary. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Ok. I can do this. "Moms! I need your help. The mayor is in the living room and he wants to rape me. Please help me." I try to sound as desperate as I can. My one mom grabs my hands and says "Of course sweetie. But what are you doing here?" "He wants me to have round earrings so I was told to get some. But all I have are these hoops." She turns around and pulls out her earring draw and turns back around. "Here, take some round ones out of here. And once you are in the room with him we will call the cops. Ok?" I nod and leave the room. 

I walk into the living room and there stands the mayor. He asks where the earrings are. I show him the ones I have in my hand. He picks up the yellow circle ones and delicately puts them in my ears. He then starts undressing me again. Out of the corner of my eye I see Mary's moms. But they are just sitting there, watching. Bastards. They aren't going to call. They are going to sit there and watch. Once again. I am alone. Finally I am naked. He pushes me onto the couch. He lays me out on the couch. He then pulls out some rope and ties my hands together. He tells me to put my arms above my head. I comply. He then starts pulling out these "tools". They are scaring the crap out of me but I have to keep it together. Finally he picks up this black rod and declares he is going to start with that. He pulls my legs apart and gently pushes it inside of me. Then shit. SHIT! I am losing control. Mary is coming back. NO! Not now! She can't...

What the hell? I am naked on the couch with something inside me and who is that? The mayor! The mayor is the one holding it. No! Not again! No no no no no! I try to move my hands to push him away and I can't. Why can't I? My hands are tied. What? No. Shit. What am I going to do? I just start trying to push myself away.



So yeah. That is my fucked up dream. I was so tired from lack of sleep. All I wanted was sleep. I just wanted peace. I just wanted sleep. And this is what I get. I hate my brain. I am my own worst enemy. Only I can come up with such horrible shit.

I am my own worst enemy
rape survivor
survivor_87
No one hurts me like I do. I hate my brain. I had another nightmare last night. This time my wife cheated on me...with my rapist. WTF?!?! And it was a dream inside a dream so I had forced myself out of the first dream and then kept slipping back in and it was making me sick. Finally I was able to force myself to wake up. At first I laid there in shock and trying not to vomit. On a good note, I got to punch my rapist in the face. But yeah, no one hurts me as bad as I do. Only I can come up with such sick scenarios and play them out like that. I hate myself in so many ways it isn't even funny. What's worse? I can't get in for a therapy appointment. 

And on top of this my mind is going a millions miles a second. I have a drawing I want to make which will take hours of not days, I got a meme I want to make, I got homework to do (which I am actually excited about this week), I got work to catch up on...and yet at the same time I just want to crawl back in bed. This sucks.

OMG OMG OMG
rape survivor
survivor_87
My mother-in-law just emailed me asking if I would be ok with her reading parts of my book at the Vagina Monologue event in her area next month. I am so excited. I told her yes. I am mailing her the last hard copy of my book that I have. This is just what I needed to snap me out of the funk I was in. Oh and I will give you all more details as soon as I get them.

Countdown to the Weekend
rape survivor
survivor_87
This fucking sucks!!! I am being blunt. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. This weekend I have to go to my school's campus for an intensive class, basically a class is compressed to 4 weekend classes. I am going by myself. It is just me. This is the first time I have gone away by myself. I am just so anxious. Honestly, I am scared something is going to happen. I know the campus I am going to is VERY safe. But I am still scared. I am also afraid I am not going to get to sleep. Hell I have been "medicating" with alcohol lately to get to sleep because I am plagued with nightmares. And I felt like shit this morning when I woke up and realized that I was so "passed out" that I didn't even realize my wife had left for work and she always wakes me up to say bye. I feel so horrible for that. I want this all to disappear. I was doing so good and then I got shit on it feels. I was at peace. I was having no issues. And then the nightmares started and it keeps playing in my head and I keep reading online where people are blaming the victim and it is getting to me. I vent to my wife but I feel like I am always venting to her and that I am a burden to her. I want to talk with a close friend about it but he hasn't been responding lately when I message him, which makes me feel bad (and if you are reading this I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am just being honest). I think after this weekend is over I will be better. But I have this long agonizing wait and it sucks.

In My Bones
rape survivor
survivor_87
This fucking sucks monkey balls. So I have come to peace with my rape. I offered him forgiveness. And the past few days have been great. But since my son's birthday has passed I don't have anything to pre-occupy my mind with. FUCK! I just feel like shit (which isn't made better by the fact that I am sick too). I feel this guilt and shame and depression in my bones. I have been short with my kids all day and couldn't figure out why because they were good and I wasn't manic. Now I get it. I am having an anniversary reaction to my rape. I don't want to. I just want the day to pass without issue. But my fucking body won't let me. This sucks. I hate this. My mind is healed but it seems like my spirit or soul isn't. It still get upset by this time of year. 

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